It has become apparent to me that my thoughts have returned to the state they were in pre-change date. I’m a chaotic mess of disorganized thought from sunrise to sunset in an inability to understand what my mind is spouting forward. I create ideas, waste them to the back of my mind and quickly forget they existed only to have new ones reappear in the microseconds it takes to do so.

My muscles ache, my brain constantly pinches me with a slight pain above my left eye, and my heart begins to beat more and more rapidly. Soon I fear I will be a single entity of thought again, constantly pondering what is happening and never being a part of it. I fear I may recede into my past. Fear I may simply fold inward and forget all I have accomplished simply so that I can keep moving forward… and complete the job ahead.

“If you want something, you will do everything in your power to receive it. If you didn’t get it, then you obviously didn’t want it that badly.”

Isn’t that what he had said? Isn’t this how I live? The words I live by?

Am I willing to give up what little humanity I have managed to attain - simple connections and affairs of conversation - to complete the goal of losing all humanity in a single sweeping motion? Am I willing to lose the friends I have gained to destroy the world I’ve always known? Where is the guardian angel whom I love? Where is this beautiful winged wonder to tell me she’s here and set my mind at ease?