I stare out my window, its glass pane larger than my arm-span and equal to my height, the curtains pulled aside and the empty plain before me as bare as I. I hold nothing back. As I look out, I day dream. I think of things I’ve done, people I’ve hurt, and the numerous things I will do that may bring even more pain. What in my life keeps me sane? How can I possibly stand it all?

Is it hope, fury? Maybe it’s for power, success.

No, none of these could possibly fuel my need to continue.

Perhaps it is destiny, a deity, or even blind faith in me?

No, of course not, I don’t hold any regard for such constructs.

Then WHAT? What, I ask me, is my reason for still being?

Love?

Choice?

Curiosity?

Maybe… just, maybe.

But who do I love? I don’t see these feelings before me. My heart doesn’t stop beating for anyone, doesn’t open wide for all to see. How can I think I love without feeling such emotions? Or perhaps, I am simply ignorant of them? No, oblivious is more my style not ignorant.

Repression…

Do… Do I repress my feelings of affection?

Do I conceal my needs, my wants, and replace them with minority feelings of pleasure and guilt? Again… Maybe.

Then who is it?

Wake up for just a moment and explain. Dear Lord, Universe, and self: If any of you exist, tell me and end these questions!

In time… There has only been one.

And of course, I truly have been oblivious, ignorant, and repressive… all over one beautiful sight and soul.

But I may be too late… No matter how I feel, this love is but a pane of glass… the view beyond, as bare as I.

Jason H. Mathews
2010